If I Died

If I died today,
Would you act like you even cared?
If I died today,
Would it be too much for you to bare?

If I died tomorrow,
Would you even shed a single tear?
If I died tomorrow,
Would you wish me to be somewhere near?

If I died today,
Would you pretend to care about me more?
If I died today,
Wouldn’t things look more trivial than they did before?

If I died tomorrow,
Would you still not have a single care?
If I died tomorrow,
Would you miss me being there?

If I died today,
There’s one thing that I should keep honest.
That if I died tomorrow,
You won’t be in control anymore I promise!

When You Put Your Hands On Me

When you put your hands on me,

Do you feel like you’re in control?

When you put your hands on me,

How do you feel within your soul?

 

When you put your hands on me,

How does it make you feel?

When you put your hands on me,

Does your broken mind start to heal?

 

When you put your hands on me,

Do you see the pain within my eyes?

When you put your hands on me,

Do you see our desperation subside?

 

When you put your hands on me,

Can’t you see that I’m giving up?

When you put your hands on me,

I know you see that I’m giving up.

I AM STILL GRIEVING!!!!

I AM STILL GRIEVING!!!!

It’s been about six months since the last time I took time to sit down and actually throw something together for either of my blogs. So I am apologizing ahead of time for any grammatical errors/mistakes that you may encounter upon reading this. 

These last six months that have gone by has seemed more an eternity for me. Every minute that goes by feels like it goes on for hours. Every hour that creeps by, feels like days. Every morning I struggle to stay up/awake, and every evening I struggle to fall asleep/stay asleep. Some days I feel almost completely numb to the life that goes on around me. 

Most days, I completely avoid anything that involves leaving my house. The couple times a week that I do leave my house, usually involves high levels of anxiety. My anxiety becomes intensified by simple things that don’t bother most people (matter fact, most people don’t even think twice about some of these things), here are just a few examples: driving, traffic, most social interaction, noise, light (it might be ‘too bright’ or ‘too dark’ outside), i’m positive that I’m forgetting several more relevant examples, but I hope you are catching my drift.

Like I have said in previous blogs, the last few years have been pretty tough on me. Growing up, relations with extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc) wasn’t really a regular thing. We didn’t get together with our extended relatives like most families do. We didn’t do holidays or anything like that with anyone but our immediate family, for the most part. 

My parents divorce was finalized while I was still in high school. I’m pretty sure I was a Freshman when everything was officially said and done. After I graduated high school in 2010, I started spending more time at my moms place. This eventually led to me spending much more time around those ‘extended’ family members from my moms biological side of the family: (3 aunts and their spouses, aka, my uncles, as well as my cousins). It didn’t take long before we were all getting together for family ‘get-togethers’ during the holidays, and/or whenever someone came up with a reason to make a bunch of food and eat together. (The more I think about this, the more I’m realizing where I inherited my love of food). 

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. In this situation, everything abruptly stopped, for the most part. We didn’t even really have the luxury of a warning. Nothing could have prepared me for what was in store me and my family within that time frame of just a couple of VERY short years. Here is a breakdown of the events that unfolded:         

– May 2014: My uncle Chuck passed away after months/years of battling cancer. He was married to my aunt Kris (my moms sister). 

– December 2015: (7months later), my Grandpa Myers (my moms adopted father, aka my GRANDPA), passed away. A month or so before this happened, he ended up going to the ER with some prostate issues. He mentioned that he also had been dealing with a migraine/headache for several days and, that for the life of him, he wasn’t able to get rid of it at home. The next thing we know, he’s being transported to OSU because they discovered a bleed on his brain. He ended up being put on a ventilator when he was admitted to OSU. Fast forward about a month or so, and he is transported to a facility closer to home (at this point he is pretty much a vegetable). About a week later, the facility that he was staying at decided to send him to the ER. Apparently he had some sort of sudden onset of a fever that they couldn’t remedy. So they notified us at about 8:30AM that he was being transported to the hospital. By 9AM, he was gone. 

– May 2015: (5 months later) my Aunt Diane (my moms sister) suddenly passed away. In the previous week or two to this, she had to undergo back surgery. When she passed away, she was going through her ‘recovering period,’ from the ‘luxury’ of her home. This probably goes without saying, but after some surgeries, it is very typical to spend a period of time recovering at home. This usually comes with orders from the doctor to be on bedrest, more or less. One thing led to another though, and she was found deceased at her home. The final conclusion on what caused her death was the fact that she had developed a blood clot after her surgery. The blood clot ultimately traveled to her lung(s) (aka: pulmonary embolism). 

– October 2015: (5 months later): my mom passed away. My mom had many health issues. Several years prior to this, my mom had constantly been in and out the hospital. In 2012, she had a triple bypass (heart) surgery. Which was risky in and of it’s self, because she was a diabetic with poor functioning kidneys. It wasn’t too long after having her heart surgery that she had to be put on dialysis, which she had to do 2 to 3 times a week. To make a long story short, after my grandpa passed (and then my aunt shortly after him), we were lucky to get her to go in there to do her dialysis once a week. My mom had made me her health care power of attorney years previous years ago. After my aunt had passed away , she adamantly rediscussed with me what her wishes were if she ended up in the hospital again. A week or so before she passed away, she was admitted to the hospital again because she wasn’t doing her dialysis like she needed to be doing. Ultimately I had to make the decision to have the doctors discontinue her dialysis treatment. My mom was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Ever since my mom passed away, nothing has been the same. I haven’t been the same. At this point, I’m not sure that I’ll ever be the person I used to be. So if you’re reading this and you happen to be someone who is a close friend or family member to me, I want you to know something that is VERY IMPORTANT :    I AM STILL GRIEVING!!!! I don’t know how long I will be in this ‘funk.’ I can’t always promise that I will be able to promptly answer every phone call or even every text. I can’t speculate or make promises on when I might be able to socialize outside of my house. In all honesty, at this point, I can’t even confidently confirm that I will be able to do something as ‘simple’ as taking a shower today. 

There is one thing that I AM CERTAIN of though: I WILL always be your family/friend! I WILL always try to do my best to be there for you when you need me to be. Just try to understand that I have to put myself back together before I can give anyone else 100%. Thank you for doing your best to be patient with me! It is very much appreciated!

These Days….

These days my heart’s still broken.
A reflection of heartache lingers in my eyes.
Holding on can feel so damn pointless.
When you feel like life is robbing you blind.

These days I can’t help but wonder,
Are you satisfied and are you really happy?
Don’t you miss the way things were before?
Dare I ask if you miss me.

These days I’m still learning lessons.
On who to trust and who to believe.
How can you say I’ve turned my back on you,
When you were the one who decided to leave?

These days I fight back tears of longing
As my family becomes a distant memory
These days I can’t help but to think about
All the times I passed up the opportunity….
To spend time with my whole family.

EVERYBODY TALKS, BUT NOT LIKE YOU DO!!!!

EVERYBODY TALKS, BUT NOT LIKE YOU DO!!!!

I would be completely naïve to believe that people don’t talk about me. I would be even more naïve to believe that people always talk positively of me. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned so far in my 23 (almost 24) years of life, it’s this: it doesn’t matter if you’re doing good or bad in life, somebody is always going to have your name in their mouth. There is no way to escape it.  I honestly believe that to some extent, it is in our human nature to talk about others. What some people fail to realize is that, every time you decide to talk about someone, you have the ability to control the direction of that conversation. It seems that a secretive, two-faced, war has been waged. Unfortunately, that war is being fought between family members, friends, and anyone else who cares to open up their mouth against another person. Let’s be honest, the majority of these conversations are nothing but negative in nature and downright repulsive.

At the end of the day, the conversations that you have with other people ultimately reflect your true character, revealing a lot more about you than you realize. Recently, I have been no stranger to being talked about. People that I once had close relationships with, have said a lot of negative things about me. Eventually it got to the point that those same people resorted to lying, in an attempt to hurt me in every which way they could.

For the time being it would appear as though these people have won. I am hurting in many more ways than they could ever understand! I am grieving the loss of relationships with some of my remaining family members for unjustifiable reasons. I am not a perfect individual. In one way or another, I will always be a work in progress. I am fine with that, because as long as I am working on bettering myself, nobody can accuse me of giving up on life! I just don’t understand why other people haven’t done more for their own wellbeing.

From my point of view, the only thing that I can make of any of this is that I must be doing something right. Let’s be real, I am consciously making the decision to consistently stand up for what I know is right. That takes a lot of work, motivation, and commitment. If I wanted to take the “easy route,” I could just sit back and blame everyone else for all of my issues that I encounter in life. Because honestly, if you aren’t being made to take responsibility for any of the self-centered messes you’ve created, why do anything else in the name of maturity? 

And one last thing, I do talk about you. I talk about how I miss a genuine relationship with you. I talk about how I wish you could get it together not only your own well-being but for that beautiful little daughter that you have. I talk about how empty and lonely my life is been without having your around to shoot the shit with and do pointless things with like when we would sit and watch vines with each other on YouTube, all while devouring a bag of Oreos between the two of us. Yes, I talk about you all the time. But not in the way that you think I do.