It’s been a little over three months since mom passed away. It was only today, that I was able to start a ‘project’ that I’ve been meaning to start since her passing, on October 17th. While I was in the process of putting this project together, I came to an important realization amongst my tears.
I’m not done grieving over my mom, and to be honest, I’m not sure when or if, I ever will be. But the simple fact is, I couldn’t bring myself to start this project until today. I couldn’t bring myself to read even just one of the cards that she wrote in and gave to me for a holiday or special occasion, it was just too painful. But today, today, ended up being an important day for me in terms of realizing where I stand with my grief.
Today, I finally pushed myself to read at least one of the cards that she gave to me. I would be lying if I told you that I managed to get through it unscathed. The truth of the matter is, I bawled like a baby. On one hand, it honestly felt like my heart was breaking all over again. But on the other hand, I concluded the reading of that card with many mixed feelings. The most prominent of those feelings being a weird sense of peace and comfort. It might sound kind of crazy but, when I started reading that card to myself, I quickly realized that I was reading it in her voice. Other than listening to old voice messages that she left me, it has been at least 96 days since hearing her voice. Not only that, but it has been at least 96 days since the last time I got the privilege of hearing my mom tell me something that I really needed to hear (even though technically I read it instead). I want to share with you what my mom wrote in that card that ended up being a blessing to read today:
Catie, in my dreams I see you and I feel you, that is how I know that our spirits will go on among each other, near and far, wherever you are, I will be everywhere with you. Time, people, and circumstances may seem to separate us, but my undying love and my unconditional love I have for you always will remain inside of me along with every breath I take. Only God knows all about our very own hearts & souls & what we really think and feel.
I love you. I crave to see you and to touch your beautiful face. You are my sweet child!
Even if you may never come back to me, just like the “Prodical Son” in God’s word, the day I see you coming up the road, I will embrace you with open arms, a gentle kiss, and with tears of love and joy flowing down the cheeks of my old face
I love you Catie June!!
God Bless You!!